Cover the last night feed with
pumped milk so mom can get some rest.
Sterilize the feeding bottles, at
the end of each day or as often as needed.
Make sure mom has a glass of
water nearby whenever she’s breastfeeding.
Do laundry every day (note: keep
soiled baby clothes soaking in a bucket of water until it goes in the wash).
Apparently, these are the ways in
which I can be most helpful in the first weeks and months after birth (based on
my own poll of new moms, n=2). Now, I’m no more narcissistic than the next guy,
but is there nothing else I can do during one of the most critical periods of
our daughter’s life?
Is that really the full extent of
dad’s value-add?
Any and all suggestions welcome
from moms, dads and interested bystanders. PLEASE!
In the mean time, I’m going to be
the best trained baby CPR-giver there ever was. BTW, baby CPR class was
incredibly informative, and somewhat terrifying. Even if the 1 in 15,000 odds
mean that we hopefully won’t need to put the theory into practice, it’s a
non-zero possibility and could mean the difference between life and death. I’m
definitely going back for the child CPR class in a year.
60 days to go.
Falling into what we derided as stereotypical gender roles was a huge adjustment/complication/annoyance, but for a chunk of those first few months, it was also true. It feels kind of odd, but it really is a support-role for Dads (unless there is a kid already at home, in which case you become the primary care-giver, of course). But yeah, for the first chunk of time, the job is mostly to keep things running smoothly and provide support because there is a whole lot of biology taking care of everything else
ReplyDeleteright? biology can be so stereotypical...I'm getting psyched up for my support-role!
DeleteI agree with the suggestions you've already gathered, and I would include making sure Mom has a snack (as well as a glass of water) -- breastfeeding makes you ravenous.
ReplyDeleteAlso, change the diapers. Every single time you can. My husband got up with me for the night feeds so that he could change diapers (I never got around to bottle-feeding our second, so he couldn't have helped with a feed anyway). I really appreciated that simple gesture, and the extra 10 minutes of snooze time (for me) and cuddle time (for him) were invaluable.
Remember that your wife is still a person separate from your baby girl. Once the baby arrives, people can often forget about mom and sometimes even treat her as nothing more than the vessel who carried the baby. I'm sure YOU won't treat her that way, but others may and it will help her immensely to have your support and acknowledgement.
Going from being an independent self-sufficient woman to being the primary caretaker of a helpless newborn can be emotionally and mentally overwhelming for your wife. She may feel isolated, scared, insecure, exhausted, and even sad (in addition to feeling exhilarated and overjoyed) and she will need you to keep her spirits up and remind her that she's not alone and she's not the only one whose life has changed dramatically and irrecoverably.
I know all of my suggestions are about how you can help your wife rather than what you can do with your daughter, but in the first weeks, the most important thing your daughter will need is to be loved and secure. Taking care of mama ensures that mama can take care of baby.
I experienced a lot of these feelings when I was a new mom (when my husband went back to work, I started bawling "I want to go back to work too!"). And as a newborn photographer, I see so many new moms feeling overwhelmed and isolated -- they are afraid to admit that they feel sad or resentful or miss their old independence b/c they think that will make them a bad mom. They often don't even admit it to their husbands, even though their husbands know that something is wrong and feel helpless.
You will clearly love and adore your little girl, and that is what she needs most. Just remember that the new mama needs it too. :)
Good point that wenmei put more nicely than I would have: remember that your wife may go bat-sh*t crazy and you'll need to keep her sane. Make sure she gets out of the house - air and walking helps the mental state. Seriously, those hormones are powerful. Even short of real post-partum there's lots of stress and emotion swirling around with off-kilter dopamine levels.
DeleteWenmei, that's incredibly helpful advice, and I have to say that I hadn't been thinking as much about my wife's needs. goodness knows, the idea of being a little person's lifeline is quite daunting and i can imagine how hard it must be to hold on to a clear sense of identity. I hope I can do justice to the adivce!
Deleteif breast feeding doesn't work out, then roles can become much more equal... we recovered our sanity when we switched to shifts - figure out who sleeps which hours and switch off so you can get good (6+ hr) blocks of sleep even if that means 8 PM - 2 AM.
ReplyDeleteIn general, your list left off how much you can hold and manage the baby outside of feedings. Carry the baby a lot. It's good for all of you - gives mom a rest and gets you bonded with the child. Changing diapers is trivial these days, yet somehow is considered a big help (though maybe I am just not sensitive about poop?)
Your list also left off all the general household items that need to get done like meals, cleaning, shopping, etc. Do all of it if you can, I suppose. Good luck.
ha ha! well I know you're not sensitive about poop... :-) had my first practice runs of changing daipers today during baby care class, didn't realize they needed to happen so frequently!
DeleteSo great that you are doing this blog! Not only for the research and great advice but also for reaching out to others. Christoph and I were in total isolation when Liv was born (2 Germans in New York, new in the city with no family and few friends) and it was all on us. If I could do it over again and had the same situation, I would definitely save up to hire a night nurse for the first few nights. From what I hear it makes such a difference. And I agree with what mkafka said: I went bat-sh*t crazy with hormones and lack of sleep and as a result we went bat-sh*t crazy. If you cannot or decide not to hire a night nurse, I would recommend you also create pockets where you can re-energize YOURSELF as you will need a lot of love and patience and you can only give this if your batteries are not completely empty (unless you are a saint :-)). Having said all this, know that we are here for you and that you can call, that you can reach out and we can watch the little princess (Liv would love to do that with us) and you and Julie can also continue to celebrate being a couple and individuals in addition to being parents, the latter for us being the biggest gift we have been given. xoxo, anne
ReplyDeletethanks much A, we haven't been thinking of a night nurse, but now you have us thinking... and yes, would LOVE to take you up on the offer! :-)
Deletehi mate, lots of wisdom here already. one thing that was not obvious to me is the dad's role in capturing the moment. you might literally want to carry a hi-res camera in your pocket for the next months. there will be many amazing, surprising, funny, momentous, subtle, powerful moments ... many of which will hide beneath the urgent need for a fresh diaper or a clean bottle. so be ready to record the sights and sounds of the wonder unfolding in front of you.
ReplyDeletethe other thing i loved doing when liv was very little was to strap her to my chest and go for walks, which had the added benefit of giving anne a completely quiet appartment for an hour or two.
funny you should mention photographs. was just going through some old albums of us as kids and it was such a treat!
Deleteand really excited about taking her walks!
Hey brother. You are awesome....I know you will be the best father around....So proud of you. Please let me know when I can come babysit : D Big hugs for you and Julie xoxoxo
ReplyDeletethanks sis! you'll have to come sing to her! :-)
DeleteHey bro,
ReplyDeleteFirst, off, Congratulations to you both! And its so cool you're having a baby daughter!!! Daughters rock!
I see there has been a lot of useful and practical tips and advice to guide you on your way to be being the great dad you will be : )
I will add my 2 cents here for what its worth, so here goes:
Get plenty of rest and the occassional few hours away from the wife and baby. At least after the first month or so, when you have a routine going. It shouldn't always be about the work and about your duties. Self-care is just as important, because if you're all tapped out, you'll have nothing to give to your 2 ladies!
Check up on some of the 'normal' things that are a part of every modern kid's life and think about whether you really want these things for your child. I'm talking vaccines, baby monitors, fluoridated water, regular / formal schooling etc. You might find as I did that some things are downright bad for your child and with somethings that there are better alternatives. Sure, not everyone will agree, but then you have to do what you believe is best for your child.
That being said and the serious stuff being gotten out of the way, I would say that there's one other big thing that forms part of prerry much every dad's job description: chief entertainer and goof / clown. Sometimes mummy joins in on the laughter and hysterics too : )
Enjoy bro. Lots of love.
hi machang, thanks much for the reminder, we do take so much for granted. and i accept my job as chief clown! love it!
Delete